(from May 2005)

My Journal (started May 9, 2005)

I finally have gotten around to at least starting this journal after planning to dozens of times. Today I attended a funeral, an event that always sets my mind in motion on things that often get pushed to the back of it for long periods of time. Then there will be one of those life-changing events that bring them all back.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My Aunt Polly was buried today, the last surviving member of my maternal family. She was the 6th of eight children and outlived her parents and her siblings as well as one of her children and a grandchild.

Her passing brought a flood of memories back to me. A lot of them have been about my aunt and her part in my life. Most of them have been about my own mother. It has been 24 years since she died and I was 27 years old at the time. Her death, the events surrounding it and the responsibility I was forced to take in the planning of her funeral arrangements were some of the most difficult days in my life.

If she had lived, my mother would have been 70 years old this month. I wonder what kind of person she would have grown to be at that age? I think about the grandchildren that she had that were born after her death and how proud she would have been of them. She knew Scott and C.J. (although they were“Scottie and Carey” to her) She was gone before Erin, Travis and Jamie came along. All of them red-heads, like herself! Isn’t that strange? What kind of memories would they have made with her if she had lived? Not to mention the great-grandchildren that have come along also.

I have often missed her as I have grown up, so much more than I was at 27 years old! I have often thought of things we could have done together as I have matured in life. I think of the conversations I would have liked to have had with her; conversations that I was too young to think about having when she was here.

After the funeral today, I went to my cousin Brenda’s house and spent some time with her and Cherry and their children. We had such a good visit, sharing stories and just being with each other. I think God often puts some good stuff in with the hard stuff in our lives. It was a good time and I have always treasured my family ties. Sometimes they are so hard to hang on to as we all go in different directions in our lives.

Today I am thankful for my family and the fact that I can be with them and be a part of their lives. I am so proud of my husband and my son, who are always there for me. Scott looked so nice today and as we were standing at the gravesite for the prayer, he slipped in behind me and gave me just a little hug and let me know he was there thinking about me.

Of course, Ronald did all of the things he needed to do, and all of the things he doesn’t have to do that make me feel loved and “taken care of”. He worked until noon, rushing around to get his job done so he could be at the funeral and be with me until everything was over. Then he had to rush home and change and go back to work for the rest of the evening.

I sat through the service, which was very nice and listened to the pastor talk first about my aunt and then about our places in eternity if we believe and accept Jesus. I thought of all of the funerals I attended when I was young. I always wanted the preacher to say what needed to be said about the deceased and then pray and be finished. I didn’t think they should go on and on about salvation and all that comes with it and I was always ready to leave as soon as I could because of that.

Having experienced many life lessons since that time, today I thought of how good it felt to listen to that service and know that I have a place in eternity with God; and how I wanted the same for every person in that room. I thought about how much peace and love God has brought into my life in the past few years; as I started seeking Him with a desire to learn and know all that I can about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I so desperately want that feeling of God’s unconditional love for those I love.

My prayers are for their hearts to reach out to God for His grace and love (whether they know salvation or not) because I know now that there is so much more to God than just repenting and being forgiven. He is so real in my life! I never knew that could be possible when I was living my life for me and thought I was doing just fine.

My prayers are for God’s guidance and His wisdom in me, that I may be able to show them, or tell them in a way that they will understand. I want them to know now what it took me so long to learn! I hope God will set opportunities before me and I will recognize them when they come.~